I wasn't ready for the end
Was feeling bouts of giddiness
after dinner yesterday night. As I was struggling to keep myself steady
on the road and in the MRT, this thought arises, if it is time for me to
go, I am ready. There was no fear of death, just worries over those I
may leave behind.
The dizziness got progressively worse as I got
home, I decided to sleep it off and that is when it all went downhill.
As I lie on the bed, the whole world spins around me. I was experienci
ng
vertigo (and I think I can understand the song by U2 better). I quickly
sat up, fear arose in me, the fear of losing control over my world, the
fear of having the world spins so fast around me that my existence
seems unreal.
After a few
hours, the feeling of losing control progressively got worse, the
dizziness was consuming me and I decided to check myself in the Accident
and Emergency department of Singapore General Hospital. At the
hospital, the nurses were persistent in asking me to be on the
wheelchair. They saw me struggling to keep myself from falling over, I
relented in the end, and was ushered in the doctor fairly quickly. Blood
tests were conducted. My blood pressure was measured again and again,
for consistency. And I was eventually put on the drip and under
observation for hours.
In the hours that followed, I was falling
in and out of sleep, and I was aware that the thoughts which arises in
the moments that I was awake were the work in office that I have not
finished, the budget which I was supposed to submit, the plans for the
camps, activities that I am supposed to conduct for the next few days.
And also, if anything serious was to happen to me, the implications I
have on my family.
I wasn't afraid of death, but I wasn't able
to let go of the commitments that I have, the promises that I made, the
people that I love. I wasn't ready for the end just yet. Fortunately for
me, the results of the blood tests didn't show any abnormalities, and
the doctor told me that it was just a more serious case of viral
infection and I should be taking more rest. I was discharged from the
hospital.
The episode lead to this reflection, perhaps I was
ready for death itself but I wasn't ready to let go of the many things
which binds me to this world. There are still much work to be done
before I can truly be free from, those which binds.
In the meanwhile, I need to sleep.
Apologies to my friends who had to take over my duties over my
commitments for today and the weekend at work, school and my
volunteering activities. Thank you for being so understanding. And for
those who had messaged me to ask after me, I am truly appreciative of
the care and concern.
May all be well, healthy and happy.
With Love
Simple Bear 17.10.2014.
