Maybe they won't but I will

Maybe they won't notice but I did

In life, we often underestimate the impact of, at first glance, insignificant thoughts, actions which later proved to be significant to our lives.

I was rushing from the Institute of Mental Health today, where I had a volunteer retreat just moments, to my next appointment when I discovered I had a marker in my pocket. The marker was used to write down thoughts during the retreat and it belongs to the facilitation organization which was hired to run the retreat.

I was in a moral dilemma. I was already quite a distance away from the venue where they held the retreat and I was in a rush for time. I deliberated between the thought of going back to return the marker and run the risk of being late for my appointment or just continue on with my appointment without returning the marker.

"They won't even notice it." this was the rationalising thought in my mind If I am going to not return the marker.

"But I did." it was the thought of my conscience. In the moment, this contemplation arises, "if I allowed myself to indulge in this seemingly harmless act, the act may pave the way for other similar acts, this little act may become a habitual tendency and this tendency may become my personality and this personality, my fate." By this seemingly little harmless act of indulgence, I had opened the door to hell, to sufferings.

I returned the marker back to the facilitators and they were surprised that I would come all the way back just to return the marker but I was glad. Glad that I didn't take what is not given and for the contemplation which arises in response. We have overestimated our moral strength and underestimate that little act of indulgence. Another good example is dieting. We allowed ourselves more cheat meals in a give time period, thinking that such small acts won't impact the dieting plan and before we know it, we had fallen to the army of greed.

I began to look at other habitual tendencies and seemingly harmless thoughts or acts that I have and hopefully have the conditions and strength to change them little by little, thought by thought, act by act.

By a drop of water at a time, the ocean is filled.

May all be well and happy.

How could I?

"How could you let her talk to you like this."

A stranger was feeling a whole lot of negative emotions from the perceived injustice that he saw, directed towards me.

"It is alright." I smiled, "Everyone is stressed, thank you."

Just a few seconds ago, an angry volunteer was demanding a goodie bag that she felt she was entitled to but was not given to her. Her tone and choice of words, were well not exactly pleasant. Her fellow volunteers were a little embarrassed at her verbal expression.

I smiled and gave her the bag.

The stranger saw the situation unfolding and perhaps felt that the tone from the volunteer could be much better. I am grateful for his empathy for me.

Anger, is like an infectious disease which turns one into a monster. If I had reacted in similar fashion to the anger from her then, I would have been 'infected' by the dark disease. I love myself and there is no need to subject myself to the sufferings of anger.

In the very moment, I felt a slight tingle of sadness for her. Volunteering may have brought happiness to her, but in the single moment of self-interest, happiness had left her. She had 'squandered' her 'emotional wealth' away and was ridden with 'emotional debt'. And the least I could do for her and myself is not to enhance the intensity of the negative emotions. I would want to keep my 'balance sheet' healthy.

Some may think I am a pushover. I guess it really depends on how you define pushover. If I allow her negativity to affect me then to me, I really allowed her to 'push me over' to the side of sufferings. I have a choice and I choose to not, allow her negativity to affect me and hopefully brings a little moment of respite from the negativity for her.

A frustrating morning at work but was grateful to her, the stranger for allowing me to feel a few moments of peace in the midst of the emotional chaos.

May all be well and happy.