I am, not me but you
C.
H. Cooley (1902) postulated that the conceptualization of “I” is a
social process; the attributes of “I” is derived from the social
entities in the continuous process of socialization or symbolic
interactions, using perceived feedback from the social environment as a
reference point in the development of the concept of self and its
attributes. The existence of the
self is dualistic, dependent on the perceive existence of others. We
evaluate ourselves based on how we perceived others perceives us.
Who
are we actually? Are we really unique individuals or are we just
projections of the sociocultural environment that we live in, similar to
everyone else in the environment? Most, if not all of us are always in
this struggle to be unique or special individuals, eschewing commonality
and yet, at the same time, desires to be similar
to those we live with in this sociocultural environment. Ultimately, we
still derive our self-concept from the social conditions in which we
are exposed to. We strives to be unique, perhaps as a form of resistance
to the commonalities found in the social conceptualization of self.
Sociocultural conditions are, in this context, used as reference points
for us to evaluate our sense or concept of uniqueness. Perhaps we, are
more similar then we would like to think; eventually, our concept of
self is well, normative. The desire for differentiation of self-concept
is not unique; and when more of us deviate from the normative aspects of
our sociocultural environment, similar salient deviations over time,
replaces the norms that we tried to differentiate ourselves from. We,
are now, the norms.
In the development of self-concept, we may underestimate the influences of others on us. We are all, interdependent. In
the words of John Donne (1624), “No man is an island, entire of
itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in
mankind.” The reason which brought me to think about this conceptual
construction came from a perception that others had of me, and which I
had been struggling to come to terms with for the past few years.
Individuals, even those whom I have just met, had this impression that I
am this knowledgeable, understanding and friendly individual;
initially, it was a ego-booster but over time, it became a source of
pressure. I was constantly asking whether I am living up to the
“standards” that others had of me; the “standards” or “perfect
qualities” that is embodied by this perception of others of me. There
was this initial period of time, I was afraid to make any mistakes and
for every small mistake whom I perceived to “tarnish” this perception,
it was a series of serious self-beating. Dissonances
with my immediate perception of self and the “ideal” concept of self
seems intolerable. Over time, it slowly dawned to me that I wasn’t what I
want to be but what others want me to be. Who, exactly am I or
becoming?
We
can’t run away from socialization which contributes to this
construction of self-concept; but what can we do to allow ourselves to
be at ease with the flow of the interaction process? How can we take
advantage of this flow to enhance ourselves, our spirituality and at the
same time, be at ease, at equilibrium with oneself. Analysing the pros
and cons of the social construction of the self may aid in the reduction
of dissonaces (if any); there are perhaps a few points to take note:
(a) acceptance of self in the immediacy time frame; we recognize and
accept the fact that we are not what others perceived us to be or want
us to be in the current moment, (b) perceived social pressure can always
be taken as a source of motivation in the short-term; the long term
motivation should be the continuous desire to improve oneself over time
and (c) the courage to make allowance, accept responsibility and learn
from mistakes (if any); by allowing ourselves the room to make mistakes
and improvements, we allow ourselves to know our blindspots and
eventually by overcoming all these blindspots or weaknesses, we
gradually, without forcing ourselves to maintain “by force”, we have
truly reach the “pinnacle” of the perception that others have of us. One
important point to take note is the perception must be valuable i.e. in
terms of its value to the self for enhancement of personality, values
and others, for benefit of others. Suffering, is reduced through the
reduction of constant fear in trying to maintain an image or perception
in which one is not and the constant possibility of dissonances between
expectations and “reality”
I
am not knowledgeable, but I would want to, for my own benefit as
intellectual knowledge aid in affirmation of experiences and
introspection in the spiritual practice.
I
am not friendly, but I would want to, for it brings happiness to me and
others and aid in my spiritual practice and goal to bring happiness to
all.
I
am not understanding, but I would want to, for my own benefit as
empathy for others aid in my spiritual practice as it allows me to
transcend the concept of self i.e. ego and for others, it brings
happiness to others.
May all be well and happy always.
With Metta,
Simple Bear 22.11.2012.
References
Cooley, C. H. (1902). Human nature and the social order. New York: Scribner's.
Donne, J. (1624). Devotions upon emergent occasions and seuerall steps in my sicknes - Meditation XVII. London.
