I feel...I think...

Sometimes, they hurt so much that I want to hide myself in the cage of rationality.

Many-a-times, I woke up in the middle of the night, clutching my heart in pain. I could not explain the pain and hurt that I felt but it is salient, even in my waking hours. Tears threaten to flow out from the corners of my eyes. Emotional sensitivity became my second nature and emotions were overflowing every single day. I sought after rationality to make the emotional torture go away. I want to hide myself in the cage of rationality to keep out the pain and hurt. I don’t know how much more I can bear before I fall victim to the talons of the emotional monster.
I was crawling towards the cage in my injured state and just before I reach the gate, I decided to stand and embrace the pain and hurt that I felt. The turning point was an uncle that I met in the wet market. He was trying to sell durians to me and when I declined, he smiled at me. At that moment, in my mind, I ‘saw’ the pain and sorrows of aging in him. With it, I felt a strange tinge of sadness arising in me. Is it compassion? I asked myself. It was a mixture of emotions, a kind of sadness coupled with pain and a feeling of gratitude. I turn around and what I ‘saw’, was the pain, the sufferings of the people, the world around me.

I decided at that point of time to embrace my emotions and be an emotional bear. I could not imprison my mind in the cage of rationality. I don’t want to lose the ability to be able to emphasize and feel for others. In our world, development of rationality is encouraged over emotionality and what we have is a world filled with egocentrism, un-compassion. I know what I need to do to avoid the traps of emotionality; I need to learn to tune my mind towards mindfulness and walk in the middle path between emotionality and rationality.

Such is the extremities of life.

Simple Bear 28.07.2011