Are we all monsters?

Are we all monsters?

Two news over the past few days brought sadness to my heart. Two young men went on a killing spree, one to avenge unfulfilled desires in the States and another, to fulfill his deep, dark desire in Taiwan. The frightening part of the news for me was that both men 'planned' for the 'murder' of their fellow roommates, citizens, spending time to acquire weapons and planning their 'routes of murder'. What drove them to this route of destruction and despair for themselves and the people that they hurt? Are the seeds of darkness prevalent within all of us? Waiting for the right conditions to 'ripen' and turning us into monsters, perhaps as reflections of the societies that we live in.

Elliot Rodger, the son of a Hollywood director, had killed 5 individuals, including two young women with semi-automatic guns in Santa-Barbara, California last Friday. He left a Youtube video, explaining his misogynistic reasons for his killing spree and suicide. His actions led to the Hollywood film industry taking a lot of heat for perpetuating the notion of sexual conquests as a norm of young college life, as a epitome of youth in the States. The feeling of inadequacies led to Rodger's actions, perhaps as in the superficial sense, revenge for his 'sad' life, I think on a deeper level of psyche, he was trying to make amendments for his perceived inadequacies as a man, in an effort to restore his 'dignity' as a man in the sexist, Hollywood environment, which he grew up in. What is worrying is perhaps, the number of men who may have similar misogynistic experiences and the possibility of the copycat effect.

Cheng Chieh, a college student, had killed 4 individuals and injured 20 others in a knife attack on the Taiwanese subway last Wednesday. He was quoted as saying that it was his long-term dream to kill people on the subway and he had planned to do it earlier. His indulgence in violence-themed video games had led to criticisms on whether such games which perhaps, 'normalized' the actions of killing strangers should be banned. Critics also condemned the video games 'glorifying' the action, making violence as an part of an essential aspect of masculinity. However, this is only an inference from his lifestyle and perhaps, there are even more salient reasons for his actions, which may not be understood from the superficial details of the case as of now. What is worrying is the number of people, who had posted on social media, of their intentions to follow in his footsteps.

Both cases, in my limited experience, is just the tip of the iceberg. It engenders fear. I began to ask whether I had faced the same issues as Elliot Rodger, I guess in my younger days, I did but do I consider myself as misogynistic? I had lamented the 'nerd' in me and my 'lack of prospects in the market' but I guess, on the whole, it was a feeling of low self-esteem. I didn't regress into a misogynist. As for the case of Cheng Chieh, I think I can relate to violence as an aspect of masculinity in my younger days, always looking for an opportunity to prove my masculinity by showing my fists but then again, to have the idea of killing people as a dream, I was perhaps again lucky not to have this thought but low self-esteem does play a part in perpetuating this image of violence. Low self-esteem does play a part in both cases, if I may infer. If that's the case, then the next question is whether do I have the 'potentiality of evilness'.

Reflecting on my past experiences of anger, perhaps, most of us do but then again, are we all monsters-in-the-making? I am a non-believer in fatalism and I believe for such things to happen, there must be the aggregation of conditions which led to this horrible result and although things may be calm on the surface for us right now, if we don't deal with our inner issues such as low self-esteem and anger, when the conditions aligned themselves, terrible things may just happen to you and others. Let me just illustrate it by using a metaphor. It is just like the mirror image of the moon in the water, the image of the moon, if the water is calm, remains clear and beautiful but once a ripple is created by the drop of stone, the image of the moon in the water is distorted and ugly.

The question now is how do we keep the water calm? Love, compassion and kindness.

With Love and Kindness

Simple Bear 29.05.2014.

The Procrastination of Happiness

"Happy is a difficult word. How many people are happy? Perhaps we are most happy when we are not aware of it."
Neil Hughes, in the PBS programme, 56 UP. 

The above words from a participant, Neil Hughes, in the PBS programme, 56 UP caught my attention; 56 UP is a very interesting documentary on the lives of ordinary people from different walks of life, the changes in their expectations as they grew with the passing of time.

Although Neil was serving in the religious and secular communities by the time he was 56, he lament the lack of conditions to realize his ambition of being a writer. He was struggling, perhaps, to walk out of his homelessness past, and a life of low self-esteem and loneliness. His idea of happiness is something really simple, a gathering with friends etc. We all have expectations and of course, that includes expectations of happiness, how do we conceptualize happiness, the personal and social constitutions of happiness and the perspective discrepancies in the ideal concept and perceived reality.

As I mentioned to a friend yesterday night, everyone of us craves for happiness but we have different ideas with regards to the conditions which constitute happiness. The feeling of happiness is perhaps, similar to all but the antecedents which preludes happiness is perceptively different for all. We forgo happiness, in the process of achieving happiness. Such is the irony of life! How many times do we see people who worked to gain power and power, and sacrifices their intimate interpersonal relations, in the name of happiness in the future, to regret later at their death beds. Although the ironic examples are many, the normative idea that money and power e.g. living the high life, as the ultimate goal in life is still prevalent. Of course, by advocating less emphasis on money and power for happiness, I am not saying that we should all renounce our possessions and stay in the mountains in search of spiritual happiness. Power, in the process of advocating happiness for all e.g. creation of conducive conditions for the engendering of happiness for all, is necessary. Money, in the process of 'purchase' of happiness for all e.g. purchase of material conditions for the engendering of happiness for all, is necessary. What I am advocating is the awareness that, while in the pursuit of happiness or the conditions which lead to our normative perception of happiness, we should not neglect the possibility of happiness in the moments in the process.

In my limited experience, I think that happiness should not be delayed. The procrastination of happiness is perhaps, something that we need to constantly be aware of. We should not take our time in this world for granted.

May all have the conditions to be aware, treasure our loved ones, and realize our dreams to be happy and the conditions, especially the intentions, to bring happiness to all.

Love
Simple Bear 27.05.2014.

This pain, this pain which wouldn't go away

This pain, this pain which wouldn't go away.

Met an old lady in the shopping mall just now. I was on my way to the MRT station when I saw her; she was walking really slowly in the midst of crowds of people. I had this sudden feeling of pain and suffering which ran through me when I saw her back view. My instincts tells me that she needs help. But I was skeptical, was I just being overly sensitive? So I observed her for a while to assess whether am I in a position to help. She approach a lady who was a staff at the supermarket and the lady directed her to a food outlet. The poor lady slowly walk towards the fast food outlet.

I went up to her and asked whether she needs any help. She told me that she is looking for food and the expression on her face makes me think that she must be starving for a while so I gave her some money and brought her lunch at the nearest food court because of her mobility difficulties. She was embarrassed at taking my money and also having me buy her lunch and she kept wanting to return me my money but I think she will benefit more from the money so I kept saying to her that I am treating her coffee and it is ok to take the money from me. She kept thanking me and with every word, I felt my heart sunk in deeper, tears were threatening to gush out. As I looked at her, I felt as if I could feel her pain, the suffering that she went through. It was unbearable and I had to leave.

Before I left, I asked a young lady to keep an eye on her during her meal just in case she has any difficulties.

Now in the train on the way to my next appointment, there are lots of thoughts in my mind, the image of her walking so slowly, so painfully through the crowd and no one stop to ask whether she is ok pains me. What if she was our family? Can you imagine that? Where was her family?

Sometimes, it takes courage to do what it is right, to do what seems to be out of the norm but what I learnt today is really to follow my heart, let it guide me and empowers me with confidence and courage.

I hope that she will have the conditions to be happy in the future and there will be people who will be around to help her if she needs help.

If there is any merit from doing this deed, let it be shared to her and to all who are suffering. May all be well and happy. May all find the strength to face difficulties in life; may all find the courage to be kind and compassionate; may all find the heart to love.

I am grateful to the old lady. Thank you for teaching me, thank you for reminding me of the possibility of going beyond myself.

I am feeling the pain right now but at the same time, I am feeling love 

Have a loving weekend everyone.

With love
Simple Bear 24.05.2014.

The Electro Syndrome

The Electro Syndrome

American song-writer James Taylor once said that the motivation of an artist is to seek attention of some kind. In my humble opinion, I think the motivation of an artist in the words of James Taylor is a reflection of the primitive psychology of humanity. Most of us may or may not agree that most of us are constantly seeking attention of some kind and perhaps by posting this entry on Facebook, I am too, seeking attention.

What had brought the issue of attention to my attention is the movie, Spiderman 2. I had just watched Spiderman 2. It wasn't Peter Parker and his hero alter-ego in the red suit but it was the villain, Electro who caught my attention. There was this scene where Maxwell Dillion, the ex-human form of Electro, was hyping himself up for his birthday by imagining that Spiderman considered him as a friend and was going to celebrate his birthday for him although in reality, Spiderman only spoken to him once and didn't really remembered his name. In Dillion's mind, the many years of being neglected and treated by everyone around him as 'invisible' or insignificant had a detrimental psychological impact on him; he was craving or more appropriately, starving for attention and the starvation manifested itself into imagination of friendship and attention, acceptance to protect himself, to save his almost non-existence self-esteem and as affirmation for his existence.

Does the self-esteem issues faced by Dillion strike a chord in some of us?

For me, the chord vibrates with memories. I was reminded of my younger days, when I was constantly striving to be in the limelight, to command the attention of all around me. In retrospect, all the cravings didn't bring me any happiness, it only brought me frustrations. It is perfectly normal to want to feel wanted, accepted and acknowledged by others but I guess the personal crisis comes when the expected attention and acceptance doesn't happen accordingly in perceived reality.In intimate relationships with loved ones, we expected them to give us their affirmation and attention when we need it and appreciation when we think we deserve it. In interpersonal relationships with others, we expect to have the limelight in social situations, to have the fame, glory and appreciation; and attention, is the reward that we seek. And when we don't get the satisfaction of our expectations for attention, we suffer both emotionally and mentally. I called this, the Electro Syndrome. We are doomed to suffer if we continue to stake our self-esteem and our conceptualization of ourselves on the attention of others.

For some of my friends, it is this craving for attention that got them into relationships and it is this very craving for attention which destroys the relationships. And for me, I have to admit, it is this craving for attention and appreciation which lead to the failure of my last few relationships. We have to admit it, we feel good when others that we like pay attention to us and attends to our needs. And even for others, who feel extremely confident of themselves, attention and recognition from others is the oil that they run their feel-good-machinery on. Is humanity doomed to be slaves to our own desires?

I am not advocating that attention is bad and we should focus on forsaking attention. I think we should be more aware of our desires especially for attention and recognition and don't let this impedes our potential for empathy and compassion for everyone. From my limited experience, I think the first step to break the shackles of slavery is to develop self-confidence, based on our awareness of our strengths and weaknesses, acceptance of our strengths and weakness and also, the potentiality of humans to excel and transcend the current self; and not on the attention and affirmation from others. And the second step is to have dreams, dreams that are realistic for us to work towards and excel at. The third step is to encourage feedback from others, without any expectations of affirmation. If there is compliments and positive attention, then, be grateful and thankful; if there is criticism and negative feedback, then evaluate ourselves based on the feedback and work on them if they are true Have the courage to admit them if they are true, and the the resolution to transcend beyond them. And the fourth step is to repeat the steps and continue to work on the betterment of ourselves. We are not perfect but we have the potential to be as perfect as we can.

It is difficult to get ourselves away from the habitual tendencies of wanting attention,
the awareness of the habit is a good start.

May all be well and happy.

Simple Bear 21.05.2014. 

被疼爱是种幸福

听了一位朋友的故事, 突然觉得好心痛; 被疼爱是种幸福, 怕失去疼爱是种苦, 被疼而不爱是种苦, 渴望被疼爱也是种苦。也许是因为我也曾经走过那些心路, 深感身受。

学会爱自己, 就要学会对自己诚实, 别骗自己。也许我和她一样, 都太不老实了。习惯在谎言中自乐, 忘了真相的可贵; 我们都沉浸在谎言的习性中, 看不清眼前的真相。 慢慢的, 随着谎言一天天的堆积在我们的心里, 真相就退进了影子里, 而我们就住进了黑暗里。

希望我们都有清醒的一天, 希望我们都有幸福的一天, 加油吧! 朋友。

Learning for Lifetime

A: "it is quite difficult isn't it, to be over 30 and still studying for your degree."
Simple Bear: "I am so lucky."
A: o_O 

I am not going to 'expound' on gratitude based on downward social comparisons; not everyone gets to study what they want to study, and for this, I am really grateful, even if I don't adhere to the normative stage of a human's life in a capitalist society and doesn't really have the ascribed social status expected, it doesn't define my life. I am the one who defines my life, I am the one who really knows what is important in my life, what is essential for me to have a good life and I define what is a good life.
Life is good. And I don't think I would want to change that.

And I am grateful that I am eccentric enough to be myself.

Have a good Sunday everyone.

Kindness, Not Granted.

Kindness, Not Granted. 

The novelist, Henry James once said, “three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”

And today, I had taken my kindness for granted.

I passed by an old uncle, who was busking near the passageway between Clementi Mall and Clementi MRT station during lunch time; as usual, I would make a donation and talked to him a little bit before going my way. I will bring him his favourite hot milo sometimes but today, although I had the intention to buy him milo, there was this nagging thought in my mind, “would he take my gesture of bringing him milo for granted.” He didn’t ask for it and I went on my way but the thought didn’t go away. The thoughts that followed were filled with guilt, my ‘kindness’ to him was tainted; tainted with the thought of the possibility of him taking me for granted.

A brief reflection on the thought had me realized that a while ago, the topic of individuals receiving kindness and taking it for granted was in one of my conversation with a new friend. And subconsciously it hit a raw nerve. Although I am lucky that most of the time, most people that I helped are grateful and those handful, who had taken me for granted don’t really bothered me, I didn’t realized that this negativity had grown its roots deep inside me. I had expected him to be grateful and not take me for granted. And kindness with expectations isn’t kindness but a transaction.

That realization gave rise to guilt within. If I am to eradicate this negativity within, I need to start now. I went back to the uncle, brought him his milo and chatted a while with him. He was expressing his gratitude to me profusely and with every moment, the shame that I had within grew. Slowly, a sense of gratitude replaced the shame and guilt I had inside. I had taken the conditions, the intention and motivation for my act of ‘kindness’ for granted; the old uncle is a wise teacher who had taught me true kindness, I am grateful to him.

Being kind is a miracle.

For one to have kind thoughts and motivation to express them in acts of kindness, it is a miraculous aggregation of conditions. For me to express the kind intention with the right motivation, my frame of mind must be right, I must be in the exact space-time to encounter the old uncle, prior experience must be conducive.
There are so many possibilities that may hinder ‘kindness’; if I was preoccupied with thoughts of negativity before I met the uncle, e.g. I had an argument with a shop assistant, the intention and motivation of buying milo for the uncle won’t arise. If I hadn’t had prior experience of receiving kindness from others, learning from others in the act of kindness prior, the possibility for the experiential conditions for the arising of the intention and motivation may not be optimal. If the uncle wasn’t there today, I won’t have the situational conditions for the arising of the intention and motivation. I could go on and on but the important point is that even if you want to be kind, the conditions may not be right for you to be kind. And for the optimal conditions that we experienced in our daily lives when we are trying to be kind to others, we should be grateful.

I am grateful for the optimal conditions; I am grateful to the uncle for being there, I am grateful to myself and I am grateful for the many others who brought this realization to me.

It is so difficult to be kind and we should rejoice if any thoughts of kindness arise, any motivation to act out of kindness arises, any expression of kindness arises.
Kindness is a treasure and I shall end this entry with a quote from the French novelist, Amantine-Lucile-Aurore Dupin: “Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.”

May all the conditions be right for kindness to arise and ripen for all.

Simple Bear 02.04.2014.