The day before the night
Almost 6 months ago, I resigned from my previous job and spent close to
5 months at home, doing nothing but watch Korean entertainment almost
every single day.
Not a lot of people knew about my leave from
working life and I am grateful for the friends who expressed their
concern for me during this period of time. People asked me why do I want
to take this break despite the difficult economic outlook; choosing to
leave a job which is stable and despite not being well-off financially.
It was a difficult and easy choice at the point of time. it was
difficult because I was leaving a job of which I had my own plans and
objectives to achieve in the position, to help others who needed help.
It was easy because I knew, at that point of time, the habitual
tendencies which was causing me agony in moments of non-mindfulness are
still there and they are gaining strength, I needed to work on them.
I am ambitious, not in terms of the monetary rewards, the power and
position that society has to offer but in terms of the richness of my
spiritual life. Success, to me is peace despite the changes in life
prior to death and failure, is sufferings due to the changes in life
prior to death.
And it is always a work-in-progress and at that
point of time, after the car accident early this year, I felt I needed
to take stock of the habitual tendencies that I need to work on and
devise my plans to work on them from now til the time.
There are
moments of success and there are moments of failure, which are
precursors to success and we are the only one who can magically turn
failure to success. The only independent factor in this hypothesis of
mine is me and the only dependent factor, is me. They are different yet
the same.
During this period of time, I dreamed about the old
me. The naive young me who seeks solace in the world of knowledge; books
become the refuge from the sufferings of the world, the pain and the
anguish. The boy who later grew to be a youth who seeks his refuge in
the hedonistic pleasures from winning over people in sports, academic
achievements etc being in the positive limelight. The competitive streak
grew stronger as the teenager grew up to assume his position in the
working world.
I woke up, with this question lingering on my
mind. What is the one thing in this world that I crave the most? The
answer was clear. It was peace. I crave not the hedonistic pleasures of
the world, nor the sufferings but of a mind who can experience the
pleasures and sufferings of this world without any indulgence.
Then, the logical next question which arises was what were the
impediments to achieving this? The habitual tendencies that I had built
up over the years especially the competitive streak in me. I still love
the competitiveness but I want to change it, to still be competitive
with myself and not with others. I have made some progress over the
years especially the last two years but sometimes, when I am not
mindful, the hydra rears its many heads. It is important to balance the
competitive streak with compassion for oneself.
Second, were the
expectations. Disappointments were rift in the past and I struggled
with it a lot. The idealistic part of me scream inside at the
disappointments every single time. I still have expectations of myself
and I had learn to slowly stop harboring any expectations of others
adhering to my expectations. I think it is important not to be lax with
myself but at the same time, there is a need to balance the expectations
with compassion for oneself.
Of course there are many more
habitual tendencies that I need to work on but this posting will be a
book if I start writing in details. I have to admit during this period
of time, there were fleeting thoughts of leaving this secular world
behind me to work on them but as me, I have responsibilities to take
care and I can't allow myself to be irresponsible. Spiritual practice is
in the secular.
Finally, it came the time for me to go back to
the secular world full-time. I started work in a nursing home a month
plus ago and also started meeting up with people, working with different
new people a while ago on new volunteering work and I have to say, it
takes some time getting used to being back with interacting with people
again.
Coming back is like taking an examination, to have an
idea of my progress and the points to improve on in the next moment. I
have to say, these two months had been quite enjoyable, in terms of the
multitude of experiences for introspection.
The sociable and the
introvert me. I am back again, on the path between the sunset at the
end of the day, and at the cusp of the night, between day and night.
It will be a renewed journey, on the path of peace, to peace.
May all be well and happy.
With Love and Compassion
Simple Bear 16.10.2016
