Kindness, Not Granted.

Kindness, Not Granted. 

The novelist, Henry James once said, “three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”

And today, I had taken my kindness for granted.

I passed by an old uncle, who was busking near the passageway between Clementi Mall and Clementi MRT station during lunch time; as usual, I would make a donation and talked to him a little bit before going my way. I will bring him his favourite hot milo sometimes but today, although I had the intention to buy him milo, there was this nagging thought in my mind, “would he take my gesture of bringing him milo for granted.” He didn’t ask for it and I went on my way but the thought didn’t go away. The thoughts that followed were filled with guilt, my ‘kindness’ to him was tainted; tainted with the thought of the possibility of him taking me for granted.

A brief reflection on the thought had me realized that a while ago, the topic of individuals receiving kindness and taking it for granted was in one of my conversation with a new friend. And subconsciously it hit a raw nerve. Although I am lucky that most of the time, most people that I helped are grateful and those handful, who had taken me for granted don’t really bothered me, I didn’t realized that this negativity had grown its roots deep inside me. I had expected him to be grateful and not take me for granted. And kindness with expectations isn’t kindness but a transaction.

That realization gave rise to guilt within. If I am to eradicate this negativity within, I need to start now. I went back to the uncle, brought him his milo and chatted a while with him. He was expressing his gratitude to me profusely and with every moment, the shame that I had within grew. Slowly, a sense of gratitude replaced the shame and guilt I had inside. I had taken the conditions, the intention and motivation for my act of ‘kindness’ for granted; the old uncle is a wise teacher who had taught me true kindness, I am grateful to him.

Being kind is a miracle.

For one to have kind thoughts and motivation to express them in acts of kindness, it is a miraculous aggregation of conditions. For me to express the kind intention with the right motivation, my frame of mind must be right, I must be in the exact space-time to encounter the old uncle, prior experience must be conducive.
There are so many possibilities that may hinder ‘kindness’; if I was preoccupied with thoughts of negativity before I met the uncle, e.g. I had an argument with a shop assistant, the intention and motivation of buying milo for the uncle won’t arise. If I hadn’t had prior experience of receiving kindness from others, learning from others in the act of kindness prior, the possibility for the experiential conditions for the arising of the intention and motivation may not be optimal. If the uncle wasn’t there today, I won’t have the situational conditions for the arising of the intention and motivation. I could go on and on but the important point is that even if you want to be kind, the conditions may not be right for you to be kind. And for the optimal conditions that we experienced in our daily lives when we are trying to be kind to others, we should be grateful.

I am grateful for the optimal conditions; I am grateful to the uncle for being there, I am grateful to myself and I am grateful for the many others who brought this realization to me.

It is so difficult to be kind and we should rejoice if any thoughts of kindness arise, any motivation to act out of kindness arises, any expression of kindness arises.
Kindness is a treasure and I shall end this entry with a quote from the French novelist, Amantine-Lucile-Aurore Dupin: “Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.”

May all the conditions be right for kindness to arise and ripen for all.

Simple Bear 02.04.2014.

Stomping

"I am going to STOMP you!"

That was the dominant thought in my mind for a split second. Anger was spreading through my entire body, the tensions in the muscles. I was ready to tear the bus driver to bits.

And then, as suddenly as it came, the anger stopped.

I went up a crowded bus filled with foreigners, on the way to attend a gathering on Saturday. As I was trying to get my ez-link card to the reader, the bus driver shouted 噢! at me in a very angry tone, as if to tell me that don't try to cheat on the bus fares. The passengers at the front of the bus were staring at me, I was embarrassed and I was ready to take my revenge on the driver, to take a picture of him, send the picture to STOMP and a complaint letter to SBS Transit.

"I will make sure he disappear!"

Then it all stopped. I looked around and saw a lot of migrant workers around me. These thoughts came to me, (a) did the migrant workers suffer the same discriminatory tone that was delivered to me all the time? (b) did the bus driver suffered a built-up of frustration during his duration of work that lead to his behavior?

I turned my attention inwards (a) was my reaction to the driver's speech discriminatory in nature, because he was also a foreigner (b) was my embarrassment and the angry thoughts that followed due to my perception that I was 'superior' to them?

If happiness was the end in which all aspired to. Who would want to be angry? Who will feel good, directing their anger to others?

A warm feeling came over me. The emotional monster of anger had disappeared without traces. The tension in my body disappeared. The negative thoughts in my mind disappeared. Replacing them was a feeling of empathy and thoughts of guilt at my previous thoughts and thoughts of compassion for the bus-driver's frustration.

If I had expressed my anger in my behavior, I would have added on to the suffering of the driver and to mine. I would have cultivated not, compassionate thoughts but discriminatory thoughts, and the growth of my ego without any awareness. If I had unleashed my anger on him, the frustrations that he was already feeling would have multiplied in strength and that may had translated into sufferings for others too.

I took a deep breath and smiled.

May they be well and happy. May they be free from ill will. May they be free from suffering.

Grateful for this lesson of humility. That monster of ego is still strong within me and sometimes, when we indulged in thoughts of perceived self-righteousness, we are unable to see our sufferings and those, of others. There is no room for compassion and love in the ego.

If we aspire to be happy, happiness can't be achieved by giving anger and sadness to others; it can be achieved by sharing and giving happiness to others.

May all be well and happy.

Love
Simple Bear 28.04.2014.

Illusion of Happiness

"Sometimes, under the illusion that happiness is to be pursued, we focus on the attainment of external conditions which makes us happy but we forget to work on understanding and reducing the intrinsic conditions which makes us unhappy."
Simple Bear 11.04.2014.

Habitual Lying

I have to confess. I am a habitual liar; I lie to myself quite frequently. I lie to myself in times of procrastination that there is still time for things to be done when in fact time is slipping away. I lie to myself that I am feeling alright although I am overwhelmed with emotions. I lie to myself that I am good in my perceived strengths when in reality I am still a long way from it. I lie to myself that I am inferior and weak, dependent on others when in reality I can stand firm on my two feet if I want to. My lies become who I perceived myself to be when I believed in them. I even gave my lies a name, I called it rationalization.

I need to stop. I need to stop lying.

路

路

路过 经过 却从没停过
哭过 笑过 却从没爱过
疯过 争过 却从没有过
生过 死过 却从没活过

难道这就是路吗? 

蝴蝶从花边飞过 我们却不曾想过。

简单熊 06.03.2014.

死胖子

“死胖子”

The three abusive words flew at me after I received a hard hit on the arm from her. Passengers on the bus around me were shocked and my classmate was afraid that I may just unleash the bear on my assailant. In the midst of the shouting, I turned to face my assailant and the next moment was laughing with my classmate, who was more surprised by my reaction than the strange assault earlier on, which she was a witness to.

“It is my lucky day. I should go buy lottery tomorrow.” I said to my classmate, of my experience.

I explained to my classmate on the bus journey home that the person who hurled physical and verbal abuse at me was having a difficult time and she was expressing her emotions in the way that she was accustomed to. We may think that her behavior wasn’t socially acceptable but even if we explain to her, she really may not understand our perspective, just as we don’t understand hers either.

I began to reflect on my experience earlier.

When I was facing her, to say the truth, I wasn’t really concerned with her identity but my physiological, emotional and mental reactions to her actions; mindfully searching for signs of anger arising.

I am glad I didn’t find any disturbing signs. The beast was sleeping still.

Anger is anger, there is no difference between she and us and although we may react differently in the expression of the affect, perhaps we too, like her, ignorant of the impact of our expression of anger on the people around us.

Are we aware of the hurt that we bring to others and ourselves when we are angry? Even if we are aware, do we really care about who we hurt as long we unleash the negative emotions?

Although I am not able to do anything to alleviate her suffering but the very least I can do is not to increase hers by reacting negatively, that perhaps is compassion in action, in a non-action way.

I filled my mind with thoughts of hope, for her alleviation of suffering and may she experience better conditions in the future to come.

May all be free from anger, be well and happy always.

With Loving-kindness

Simple Bear 26.02.2014.

Pursuit of Happiness

"Sometimes, in the pursuit of happiness, we focus too much on what we want to be happy but forget what we need to be happy."
Simple Bear 22.02.2014.